It’s Wednesday morning, I feel like I’ve been hit, ran over, backed up on ran over again, and dragged across the world by a truck.  My body is sore, muscles aching, mouth beginning to show the effect (canker sores) of the stress that has struck our family no holding back, straight on full force in the face.  I usually get fever blisters surrounding my lower lip but as I have aged, I am showing new signs of stress in new areas of my face. It sucks!!!

I have been trying to come up with a fun and frightful Halloween theme for the porch, nothing elaborate but can’t find the enthusiasm, excitement or creativity.  I know that I have to “snap” out this…I really do.  It’s just so devastating.

Heather, my daughter, is trying to keep a positive mindset and is in good spirits.  I on the other hand, being the mom am thinking of what we could be facing down the road and trying to prepare myself mentally (all without her knowing completely) but am not doing so well.  I have always been the strong, somewhat logical thinker, realistic, look at you and be brutally honest person but right now seems like “life” is the one being brutally honest that it hurts.

As I reran the doctors visit over and over in my mind, I realized the massive unspoken, uncountable volumes of worry, concern and “this is not sounding good” reaction of body language from her doctor in one-what seemed like an eternity second.   I don’t know if he reacted this way because he personally knows her and he and his wife had/has an outstanding working relationship with her or does he know or think this really could be a not so good outcome.

I am so anxious when it comes to test results, so IMPATIENT – I’m the person who is yelling (in my head) don’t they (medical personnel) know how important this is to my daughter, family, us, me?  Why aren’t they doing something to speed this process up?!?!  Then my mind flashes back to those wonderful working years in the medical offices and say oh yeah, they are doing everything they can, following protocol, results do take a little time and don’t forget, the doctor ordered several tests which some take longer to get the results back due to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..damn it – why is my daughter going through this?  Why can’t it be me?  Why does she have to be the one facing all the unanswered what ifs, the unknowns and fear?!?

Thursday – Heather got the first set of test results back today and all it indicated was, according to the office staff who made the phone call, “It is crucial you get in with the Hematologist”.  Your office called and referred her so why haven’t they called with the appointment if it’s so crucial!!!

Monday (10/9) – I wrote this last week and for the most part still feel the same.  The stress is really working over time along with nightmares as well as the overwhelming crying moments.   Heather’s appointments are 10/24 and 11/1 you know, because it is crucial that she sees these specialists.  She called me last night worried, her headaches are coming back somewhat worse and they are starting before time to take the next dosage (a slightly mild headache usually started if she was at least 30 mins late taking next scheduled dosage).  She is going to call her doctor today with so many questions and discuss what’s next – maybe schedule an MRI to find out if there is a blockage somewhere in the head (they discussed this last Monday and the doctor wanted to give the medication a week)?  I’m still terrified that she could have a stroke – after all she was and possibly still symptomatic for one.  We are still at square one and still don’t have any answers. **Spoke with Heather about 45 minutes after publishing this and the doctor is referring her to a neurologist for her headaches.

Holly my youngest daughter came over yesterday for a visit and to talk about this past week.  I looked at her and all I could see was her trying to find hope and answers that everything is going to be ok.  Oh how I wanted to say yes, yes it is all going to be perfect and grand.  But I couldn’t.  I have never been so uncertain and scared than I am right now.

Thank you all for your kind, kind words, they mean the world to me.

A quick update on my Aunt.  Mom called last night and said she can’t believe or understand why her sister is still alive.  She has been off  life support since Wednesday and breathing (struggling at times) on her own – the doctors have called the family in (more than once).  The doctor said she has a very healthy heart and lungs which are fighting hard to keep her alive.  Otherwise, about 95+% of the rest of her body has completely shut down.  Her liver is completely gone and kidneys severely damaged.  The infection / sepsis has only worsen.  The siblings have come to terms, reality and accepted the outcome as best as they can.  My Aunt is a beautiful person and only wanted peace and happiness for everyone.  I only wish she could find her peace and happiness and just let go….I love her so very much but no one needs to suffer death like she is.